I love books...everything about them. From the seductive use of colors on their covers to the images, and words used to call you to them much like a Siren. I reach up and take one off the shelf, run my hands over the binding, turn it over and over once more opening up to a random page. I begin to read...not for content so much as to get the feel for the author's style, their voice. Let's face it some writing is much more difficult to read or may have concepts that take focus and thought to fully take in and understand.
It takes energy and a certain amount of steady time available to take on that sort of book. Sometimes I am just not in the right place for that and so keep searching for something more in line with my head space.
Today a book arrived. I open the package. Resting the book in the palm of one hand, I began my welcoming ritual of fanning the pages from back to front several times enjoying the soft smell that rose up. On the third pass I noticed something.
Inside the book was a hand written note on a small thin white piece of paper. Written on it was one person's answer to our research questions. Thoughts were scrawled in blocky print. Blue pen held in a shaky hand, letters lightly crafted. Masculine. He seems old and it took some time to carefully execute the words. His concentration apparent in the shapes and placements of the letters making the ailments of his body apparent. His words reveals a disconnect between his inner an outer worlds. Line by line, he is revealing himself to himself.
"My head is hurting.
My eyes are heavy.
I feel achy in my joints.
Years ago I never had any of these symptoms.
Now they plague me all too frequently.
The thoughts in my mind run rampant
colliding with each other, and dissipate
without ever being acted upon.
I have not shaken "the feeling" yet,
the one where I have no control over my life or future.
My intellect tells me this.
But then, my intellect has been at war with my emotions."
My head is hurting - An admission/acceptance of the pain.
My eyes are heavy - He no longer wants to see/accept the pain.
I feel achy in my joints - Feeling stuck, unable to move.
Why - Fear...?
Years ago I never had these symptoms. - He is in an unfamiliar realm.
Thoughts run rampant, colliding with each other - There is little to no control of his thoughts.
and dissipate without ever being acted upon - Opportunities passed by, unable to move forward.
I have not shaken the feeling yet - his body is telling him something
the one where I have no control of my life or future - accepting limiting beliefs
But then again my intellect has been at war with my emotions. Body, mind and soul disconnection.
I thought about what I might say if I met this person. I thought about how universal his feelings and struggles are...about how we tend to walk away, unsure of how we can manage the path towards becoming whole. Inevitably it comes down to trusting ourselves, honoring ourselves. Having faith that, even if our decisions and actions cause us more trials, we will have the focus to navigate through and the openness learn from our experiences.
It takes courage, stamina and a willingness to go it alone from time to time, to go deep within yourself and see the purest truths of who you are. I believe that both the light and the darkness we carry hold a particular wisdom. Sit quietly and observe each with empathy and self compassion. See the beauty and rawness of your brokenness. See the strengths and power of your nature. Rejoice in who you are at that moment in time.
That is what I would tell him, wish for him...wish for you, when you are there, when you most need a light.